30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?