what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You Might Also Like
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.