I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
You deplete me
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?