Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth