[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.