Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors