Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her