I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I love the National Park Service.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian