Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.