Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Catercrombie & Fish
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Passwords are more important than ever.