When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.