I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.