The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: