Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no