Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer