You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
it’s the silliest best thing
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts