When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.