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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants