Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
courtroom exchange of the day
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
me adding lol on a serious message
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!