My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.