[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Sex so good you see dead people.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Bloody internet 😳
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.