you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
OH. COME. ON.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I saw nothing
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?