sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?