#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
You Might Also Like
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.