Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Who.
Did.
This?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.