Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
…u ok Nintendo?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer