I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.