cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no