You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else