The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?