Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes