The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*