While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.