Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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why I oughta
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I have a black belt in leather
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes