Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.