ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
the answer was staring at me all along
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
What the hell happened in there??
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch