Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
You Might Also Like
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Reporter: *ports again*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.