“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Ghost costume 😂
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did