GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from