[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly