I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.