gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang