Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.