The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.