Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.