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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.