I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
How it started: How it’s going:
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators