[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
You Might Also Like
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
not seeing the problem
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I WON A HAM TODAY