Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
good work, detective
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
it must be school picture day
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.