Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
giddy up Office Depot
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
#Caturday
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.